CAST OF CHARACTERS:
THOMAS: A man in his mid-thirties. Well-groomed, good-looking, a real quarterback type. His clothes are stylish and somewhat conservative—an argyle sweater and collared shirt (think Banana Republic, J. Crew, etc). There is product in his hair.
JODIE: A woman in her early thirties. Well-groomed and well-versed on the latest fashion trends. She is wearing a pair of Ugg boots and carries an expensive and very trendy handbag.
CARLA: Salesperson working on commission.
VERY LARGE MAN: The largest you can find. Bald head and tattoos are preferable.
PLACE:
Richland Fashion Mall
TIME:
Monday-Saturday, 9am-9pm
Sundays, 10am-6pm
Open all Holidays except Xmas
Scene 1
Setting: A men’s clothing store wherein several circular racks of clothes—pants, shirts, jackets, etc—are positioned in rudimentary aisles. Two or three well-dressed mannequins stand on columns looking chic. A sign on the back wall says Fitting Room and below the words there is a large arrow pointing off-stage. A full-length mirror hangs below the sign and beside the mirror there is a row of chairs for waiting.
At Rise: THOMAS stands behind JODIE at a circular rack of polo shirts. He carries an ever-growing armload of items to try on. Jodie, with a scrupulous eye, cycles through five or ten shirts on the rack, pulls a shirt out, and hands it to THOMAS, who can carry little more. CARLA, the salesperson, hovers nearby, eager—so very eager—to offer her assistance.
JODIE
Now this. This is a nice shirt.
(JODIE removes a yellow shirt from the rack and holds it up to THOMAS to see how he might look in it. With her arm extended, she steps back to scrutinize, looking THOMAS up and down.)
CARLA (stepping in)
Oh. My. God. That is a beautiful shirt. I just love the color. Don’t you just love the color?
JODIE
What do you think of the color, Thomas?
THOMAS
I don’t know. I already have a yellow shirt. How many yellow shirts does one man need? I don’t even wear the one I have.
JODIE (distracted by shirt)
What’s that? Did you say something, honey?
THOMAS
I like it.
JODIE
Me, too. Let’s add it to the pile.
(JODIE hands the shirt to THOMAS, who is nearly overwhelmed by the clothes already in hand. JODIE moves on to another rack. THOMAS follows. Both are trailed by the over-eager saleswoman.)
THOMAS
Isn’t this enough already? There must be twenty outfits here.
JODIE
Humor me, Thomas. I enjoy shopping. I don’t ask you for much.
CARLA
Some people just don’t get it, do they, girlfriend? Ha, Ha.
(THOMAS and JODIE look at CARLA, annoyed by her presence. CARLA folds a sweater. JODIE pulls out another shirt and hands it to THOMAS.)
JODIE
There. That should do it. (To CARLA) Excuse me. Miss? Can you point us toward the fitting room. He’d like to try these outfits on.
CARLA
Sure, just over there.
(Thomas, faltering below the mountain of casual wear, waddles off the stage.)
JODIE (calling after THOMAS)
I’ll be right here waiting for you, dear.
THOMAS (from off-stage)
What should I try on first?
CARLA
Ooohhh. How about that pretty yellow shirt. And those nice charcoal pants with the pleats. That would make a lovely outfit. Just lovely.
THOMAS (from off-stage)
The pants don’t fit! Too big.
JODIE
What about the shirt?
THOMAS
Too small. I’ll try something else.
JODIE
Then come out and show us.
(They wait for THOMAS to reappear. JODIE fixes her hair in the full-length mirror. She checks her teeth. CARLA folds another sweater. As the minutes pass with no THOMAS, the scene on stage becomes more and more awkward. JODIE and CARLA smile at each other uneasily. Somebody needs to say something.)
CARLA
So…
JODIE
So…
CARLA
Seen any good movies lately?
(Finally, thankfully, THOMAS enters. He is wearing a hobo clown costume—a pair of big red clown shoes, a big red clown nose, a large bowler hat, an oversized pair of pants, and an oversized suit-coat with many multi-colored patches. As he enters, he turns several times for the women waiting for him.)
THOMAS
What do you think?
CARLA
Hey, not bad!
JODIE
(Steps back to scrutinize the outfit. She then approaches Thomas and adjusts the huge plastic flower in his lapel.)
Hhhmmm…I’m not so sure about this one.
CARLA
Yeah. You know, on second thought…
JODIE
Turn around again. (Pause as THOMAS turns.) Do the shoes fit? They look big on you.
THOMAS
They feel fine. They feel good. Maybe they’re a little big.
CARLA
That brand tends to run a little big. Should I try to find you a smaller size?
THOMAS
Don’t bother. They’re nice shoes and all. I just don’t know how often I’d wear them, you know. I mean, outside of special occasions. It might be a waste of money. How much are they anyway?
CARLA
$199. It’s a steal.
THOMAS
Are you kidding me! That’s a great price!
JODIE
No. Way too much. We can get shoes just like that for half the price at Kohl’s. How does the big red nose feel?
THOMAS
It feels good. Comfortable. You can tell this is a quality nose. I knew that right away. Right when I put it on.
JODIE (To CARLA)
Can we buy just the nose?
CARLA
Of course. I’ll wrap it up for you.
JODIE (To THOMAS)
Anything else worth keeping?
THOMAS
Nah, not really.
JODIE
Next outfit!
(THOMAS exits; JODIE and CARLA wait; things again become awkward.)
JODIE
So…
CARLA
So…
JODIE
Have you seen [enter latest popular movie]?
CARLA
I haven’t.
JODIE
You must!
CARLA
I will!
(THOMAS enters wearing a little boy’s cowboy costume: a ten-gallon hat, chaps and vest. He is also wearing a set of holsters in which he carries two plastic six-shooters.)
THOMAS
This one isn’t bad. I could see myself in this one, hanging with the fellas and such. (Pause as JODIE looks him over). You don’t like it, do you?
JODIE
You know, I’m just not sure. (To CARLA) What do you think?
CARLA
Hmm… Can you draw your guns for us?
(Thomas draws.)
JODIE
Do that again. But this time make a shooting sound when you do.
THOMAS (draws his guns)
POW! POW!
JODIE
That’s not quite right. Try this: BANG! BANG!
THOMAS
BOOM! BOOM!
CARLA
No, like this: BANG! BANG!
THOMAS
ZAP! ZAP!
JODIE
It’s just not working.
CARLA
It really isn’t.
JODIE & CARLA (together)
NEXT OUTFIT!
(THOMAS exits. Awkwardness ensues: the clearing of throats, the blowing of noses, the snapping of gum.)
CARLA (eventually)
Too bad about that last one. I’ve sort of always had a thing for cowboys. Sexy, ya know.
JODIE
I know, right.
(THOMAS is carried in on the back of VERY LARGE MAN. VERY LARGE MAN stands before the mirror and smoothes down his shirt while THOMAS watches over his shoulder.)
THOMAS
You know who has one of these? My friend Dave has one of these. I always liked the way it looked on him. So much so that I nearly bought one for myself one time. I didn’t think I could pull it off, though. Now I think maybe I can pull it off. I think it’s me. I really do.
JODIE
It seems sort of bulky, though. Can you move with that big thing on? You don’t want to limit mobility, even for fashion’s sake.
(VERY LARGE MAN does a series of calisthenics: jumping jacks, deep kneed bends, etc., all the while with THOMAS on his back.)
THOMAS
I feel like I move pretty good in this thing. A good range of motion.
JODIE
Well, if you really want it…
CARLA
I shouldn’t tell you this…but you two seem like nice people. This is going on sale next week.
THOMAS
Really?
CARLA
Really. Close out pricing. Fifty percent off. If I were you, I’d wait. In fact, I put one aside for my boyfriend. He really likes that look.
JODIE (to THOMAS)
Can you wait?
THOMAS
I can wait.
JODIE & CARLA
NEXT OUTFIT!!!
(THOMAS and VERY LARGE MAN exit. VERY LARGE MAN enters alone. He sits in a chair by the mirror.)
VERY LARGE MAN
Ladies. How are you?
CARLA
Fine thanks.
JODIE
And you?
VERY LARGE MAN
Can’t complain.
CARLA
Nobody listens anyway.
VERY LARGE MAN
I know, right.
(THOMAS enters, buck naked)
JODIE
Now there’s an interesting look.
THOMAS
What does everybody else think?
CARLA
Turn around. (Pause as THOMAS turns.) Meh. It’s alright.
VERY LARGE MAN
Not bad.
JODIE
It fits pretty good. But it’s more of a summer outfit, I think. You wouldn’t wear it now.
THOMAS
Maybe next time then.
CARLA
Sure, those are always in stock.
JODIE and CARLA
NEXT OUTFIT!!!
(THOMAS exits)
VERY LARGE MAN
I never liked that look on a man.
CARLA
It’s not so bad on some guys.
JODIE
Yeah, occasionally it can work. But on him…
VERY LARGE MAN
It just didn’t hang the way it should.
THOMAS (from off-stage)
I know, right!
(THOMAS enters wearing a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt.)
JODIE (suppressing laugh)
How do you feel in that one?
CARLA
That’s a…er…that’s an interesting look.
VERY LARGE MAN
Terrible.
JODIE
But do you like it, Thomas? That’s what really matters.
THOMAS
I feel ridiculous in this. I can’t wait to get it off.
JODIE, CARLA, VERY LARGE MAN
NEXT OUTFIT!!!
(THOMAS EXITS)
JODIE (to VERY LARGE MAN)
Can I ask you a question?
VERY LARGE MAN
Shoot.
JODIE
How does one end up with a job like yours?
VERY LARGE MAN
You really have to know somebody.
CARLA
That’s the way it is for all the good jobs.
JODIE
I know, right.
(THOMAS enters wearing his original outfit, the argyle sweater, a collared shirt, khaki pants.)
JODIE (overcome)
Oh, Thomas. Look at you! I’m speechless.
CARLA
Wow. That’s all I can say. Wow.
VERY LARGE MAN (clapping)
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
(THOMAS checks himself in the mirror, turning this way and that and looking back over his shoulder to see if his rear end, etc., looks good.)
THOMAS
It feels familiar somehow, but at the same time completely new.
CARLA
Shall I wrap it for you?
THOMAS
Yes. Wrap it, please. And be careful when you do. Don’t wrinkle or tear it. I couldn’t stand for anything bad to happen now that I’ve found the perfect outfit. (Pausing, turning, admiring.) On second thought, no, don’t wrap it. I don’t think I’m finished looking yet. Jodie, let’s not stop looking yet. Let’s never stop searching for something better. I see now what I’ve been missing out on. The joy I feel. The possibilities. Just maybe there’s an outfit out there even more perfect than this one…
JODIE
What are you saying, Thomas?
THOMAS
I think I’m saying…yes, of course…that’s it…I know exactly what I’m saying….
EVERYBODY
NEXT OUTFIT!!!
CURTAIN
Chris Siciliano earned his MFA from the University of South Carolina in 2009. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI, where he is a freelance writer and editor.
