|For I Will Consider Becoming a Nun
by Leigh Holland
For I will consider becoming a nun.
For the benefits thereof are many.
For lengthy black dresses are slimming and non-conformist.
For wearing a habit would mean that I could go for days without curling my hair.
For I have always wanted a rosary—preferably one in day-glo plastic.
For I have had two years of voice lessons and could sing vespers tolerably well.
For cathedrals are poetic places to live and have that deliciously retro-goth vibe.
For I could have a T.V. show based on my life and call it ‘Celibacy and the City’.
For I wish to learn why there is a patron saint of caterpillars.
For I wish to learn whether there is a patron saint of patron saints.
For there are all manner of in-your-face awesome ceremonies in Catholic churches.
For communion is wicked-cool.
For the Sign of the Cross is the bomb diggity.
For I would have to be more classy, and would not be allowed to say ‘wicked-cool’ or ‘the bomb diggity’.
For it has been my lifelong dream to stand in an abbey and sing ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?’.
For, excepting three Lilliputian concerns, I am stunningly well-suited to a nun’s life.
For I will list these concerns, trifling and paltry beefs though they be.
For ‘Difficulty the First’: the vow of obedience.
For I am convinced of a certainty that this is an edict of man and in no wise condoned by Holy Scripture.
For obedience is merely slavery with consent.
For I was born with a will of iron.
For, for crying out loud, who wants to be obedient?
For anarchy is really rather fashionable.
For ‘Anarchy in the Convent’ would be a great song.
For the time of Catholic punk rock has come.
For ‘Difficulty the Second’: the vow of poverty.
For I am a mall-rat of great renown, and would hate to relinquish my status to an inferior.
For none can scour Bloomingdale’s as I can, when moved by the spirit of the hunt.
For in my poverty I should be forced to abandon video games.
For the absence of Final Fantasy game nights should wrench my heart from my chest.
For Sephiroth is my homeboy.
For food-related poverty is a weighing concern, also.
For I am a Baptist, and would miss the endless flow of potlucks.
For sugar addictions are generally frowned upon in a woman of God.
For the Abbess would surely not understand my lugging in a fridge full of cheesecakes.
For, when last I heard, abbeys do not come equipped with an on-site Starbucks.
For Starbucks really should consider tapping into the monastic market.
For something must aid the brethren and sistren in maintaining wakefulness.
For ‘Difficulty the Third’, the vow of chastity.
For I find unsettling the notion of eschewing forever the society of men.
For I like their good-natured cluelessness.
For they help me haul about my random junk when I have to move.
For they do not like to talk about their feelings, which is a relief after angsty girl-chats.
For they must always be fixing things, even those things which do not require fixing.
For they have reams of advice to dispense, and do so without provocation.
For they tell jokes that are not amusing, and I, out of compassion, laugh at them anyway.
For they are so much fun to look at.
For with this last objection, I find the crux of my dilemma.
For I find that a man-deprived existence would hardly be worth living.
For I give thanks for this shocking revelation.
For I will now have to reconsider becoming a nun.
© 2007 prickofthespindle.com
Leigh Holland is from Moulton, Alabama and is a senior English major at Troy